I remember my first massage gun. It was 2019, it cost about forty dollars, and it vibrated with all the finesse of a jackhammer that had lost its will to live. I used it twice, shoved it in a drawer, and went back to my foam roller like a civilized human. Five years later, the category has evolved so dramatically that I sometimes wonder if my old drawer-dweller and the devices I test today are even related. They’re not. And if you’ve been sitting on the sidelines, assuming these are still just fancy vibrators for sore quads, this is the…